Being a Man

Episode blurb
LeBron James Passes on Our Offer / NBA Talk / Running in 102 Degree Heat / Sexy Librarians / Don't Drink Drano / Making Your Own Alcohol/Poison / Cooking Tips / Talkative Teenagers at Auto Parts Stores / New Segment! One Time / Time Travel

Running Gags

 * Batman is mentioned
 * They talk about their empire/intern/employees/crew
 * It's "so hot" in the room
 * Tim hates teenagers
 * Tom is obese
 * Time travel is mentioned
 * Tim hates the Baby Boomers
 * Tim hates people talking about their dreams

Quotes
Tom: "It's everybody's favourite curmudgeon, Tim."

Tim: "Tom, I'm really not in the mood tonight."

Tom: "I'm not in the mood for your shit!"

Tim: "You know why, Tom."

Tom: "No, I actually have no interest in your life."

***

Tom: "I'm taking off a t-shirt to reveal a chiseled torso."

Tim: "A glistening, chiseled torso."

Tom: "It's definitely glistening."

***

Tom: "Listen to the female [on the Nike+ app] &amp; you'll start to fall in love with this woman. 'You're halfway there!' Okay. I can do this."

Tim: "I dunno, I need more brutal commentary, like, 'Why are you running so slow? are you not a man?'"

***

Tom: "Tuesday, I started drinking raw eggs, because that's what the Hulk did."

Tim: "That's what Rocky did."

Tom: "These guys don't give a shit about salmonella, they're too manly for it."

Tim: "If your body can't counteract salmonella, what are you, less of a man?"

Tom: "If I can't beat off salmonella, how am I going to parachute into a hostile situation and extract hostages?"

***

Tim: "I'm not one to normally hate on the artistic community, but-"

Tom: "Autistic, did you say?!"

Tim: "No, the artistic."

Tom: "Geez. Geez, Tim."

Tim: "I mean, I don't hate people with autism, either."

***

Tim: "You spent over $110 brewing your own beer. So. How many bottles did you get out of it?"

Tom: "[Sighs] I got 8."

Tim: "Tom. TOM. Tom. How many bottles did you get?"

Tom: "8! They weren't full, but there were 8 bottles with some beer in them!"

***

Tom: "No! Tim, those mechanics, they'll bend you over and fuck ya."

Tim: "You're so classy, Tom."

***

Tom: "I walked through the oil slick, and slipped."

Tim: "Did you fall down?"

Tom: "Yeah! All I could think was, 'What is this, Mario Kart?'"

***

Tom: "I would go back, to World War II-"

Tim: "I know where this is going-"

Tom: "And kill Hitler. And I'd do this? dressed as Batman."

***