Cruises

Episode blurb
In this episode we talk about cruises, and Tom shares anecdotes from his recent vacation on board a luxury cruise. Also: - the arduous process of recording a weekly podcast - the perils of fame - jumping overboard is not a good idea - treating limo drivers with respect by never shooting them - TCGTE's [...]

Running Gags

 * Tom is obese

Quotes
Tom: "We're recording this on Saturday."

Tim: "... So we're going to be here through the night, editing... we record for about 10-12 hrs/week, then we edit that down to 45-50 minutes."

Tom: "The phonograph company is working overtime... we record all of these onto wax cylinders."

Tim: "Then when they come back, we transfer it to 2" tape. Then we manually slice ... then we send that away to get pressed onto vinyl ... then they take that high-quality and make the mp3."

***

Tom: "I sent out this tweet out and I must have mentioned the boat - I get a tweet back from a listener saying 'Oh are you on [boat name]?' And it was the ship I was on and I was terror-strucken that a listener was on the boat."

Tim: "'Terror-strucken'. Was a listener on the boat?"

Tom: "I don't think so. I wore a mustache the entire time just in case."

***

Tim: "My brother made his girlfriend listen to all these episodes, and y'know, she pretended to like it, I dunno ... maybe she's just pretending to like my brother. It's just some sort of long con."

Tom: "Yeah, she's probably some kind of grifter."

***

Tim: "I don't want to be famous for accidentally shooting a limo driver or something. That'd be the worst case scenario."

Tom: "Well that's mighty big of you, Tim."

Tim: "To a lesser extent for the limo driver and his family, but mainly I just don't want people thinking I'm low class."

***

Tom: "We need to adapt this show for the stage and get on a cruise ship."

Tim: "... first of all, we need hypnotism classes ... that way we can be the ones making people have orgasms on the stage."

Tom: "...on the poster it'll say 'Come to Tim and Tom's Complete Guide to After Hours Hypnotism - you're gonna need a mop.'"

***

Tom: "We went riding on bikes ... through the jungle. A bird almost hit me, I'll show you the video later."

***

Tim: "I love it when shitheads think you're on their side."

Tom: "I don't know what about me says 'Oh this guy gets it'-"

Tim: "It happens to me all the time - we've got kind eyes, Tom."

***

Tom: "There's a library on the ship. This woman asks, 'I have a question about the liberry. Can you buy books or are they just for rent?'"

Tim: "What kind of book was she looking for, do you think?"

Tom: "A picture book?"

***

Tim: "This was a straight cruise? I guess that's just an everybody cruise."

Tom: "I don't think you can call and ask for a straight cruise."

***

Tom: "Once I was old enough to go out and buy my amputee porn... I dunno, I was just trying to think of weird porn!"

***

Tom: "This Mom [got on the flowrider] and I turned my girlfriend and said, 'This is not going to end well'. She jumps, and landed perpendicular to how the water was... she flipped - I'm not exaggerating - 10 times. I thought her head came off. Everything else came off and went sideways - boobs, butts, bush, all the Bs were out."

Tim: "The killer Bs were all out!"

Tom: "So she spun around and slammed against the wall, and-"

Tim: "This is not an honourable way to die. I'm assuming she died?"

***

Tom: "I hadn't seen accidental nudity in a while."

Tim: "I'm always on the lookout for it. It's tough in the wintertime in New York."

Tom: "Not very many nipslips in New York in February."

***

Tom: "So we watched this old couple walk up to the Ben & Jerry's and slip on a milkshake ... people are running over, they're covered in the milkshake - that's when we hear someone yell 'that's not a milkshake, that's vomit!'"

***

Tom: "This is now week 3 we've gone gauntlet-less."

Tim:: "And bottomless."

Tom: "No, this is the 14th week in a row we've gone bottomless."

***

Tim: "This podcast is hitting puberty. We're going through some things, but there's gonna be some new awesome things that come out of it."

Tom: "Pubic hair."

Tim: "And this beard. Tom, I wouldn't have been able to grow this beard without going through puberty."

***

Tom: "We're almost at 1000 fans on Facebook, which is insane."

Tim: "The 1000th fan will get 10,000... gold dubloons."