IKEA

March 23, 2012

Episode blurb
In this week's episode we talk about everybody's favorite Swedish assemble-it-yourself furniture retailer, IKEA. We also discuss parents that refuse to be boring grown-ups, ErnestFest, a TCGTE dance-a-thon and mailing people envelopes full of hair. We also provide and informal "State of the Guide" to explain our recent behavior.

Quotes
Tim: "No one wants to see your baby. There was a part in IKEA that was just a parade of tantrums."

Tom: "YOU almost had a tantrum."

***

Tim: "I almost punched this man in the back of the head. If he didn't have a baby strapped to his chest-"

Tom: "Maybe that's why they do it."

***

Tom: "I don't care about your baby, I've got bars to be at, where they don't allow babies. Strip bars."

Tim: "Gentlemen's Clubs."

Tom: "Not baby clubs!"

***

Tom: "Wherever [in IKEA] there was an office set up, you'd say to whoever was closest, 'Thanks for coming today, please have a seat'."

Tim: "What's wrong with that, it's a hilarious joke!"

***

Tim: "These babies are always dressed better than me."

Tom: "But Tim, you wear a tuxedo to IKEA."

Tim: "Well maybe not a tuxedo, but I wear a t-shirt and sweater, like you should."

Tom [laughing]: "'Like you should'. Alright."

***

Tim: "Babies grow at an alarming rate, right? Well maybe not alarming."

Tom: "Every morning- 'Holy shit, honey, you better get in here, this baby has tripled in size!'"

***

Tom: "That's why smart parents just buy their baby doll clothes."

Tim: "You wore doll clothes til you were 6 yrs old, if I'm not mistaken."

***

Tim: "I expect one day for this podcast to become evidence in some sort of trial. Some poor prosecutor is going to have to pore through all of these episodes."

***

Tim: "Should we have the TCGTE danceathon or one of those things where they have to keep their hand on a car?"

Tom: "They have to keep their hand on you."

Tim: "I'd rather not."

Tom: "That's the tricky part, you'll be squirming the whole time."

***

Tim: "We should start a segment, where we just send something random to a listener. One week, someone will get my beard."

***

Tim: "How mad would your Mom be if you got a huge envelope, like 11x17, just full of human hair?"

Tom: "Probably pretty mad!"

Tim: "She'd be like, 'Tom, what is this? What have you gotten yourself into?'"

Tom: "'Are you in a gang?'"

***

Tim: "This is gonna be the new model for our show. The 1st half will just be me ranting about some weird subset, without even saying why I dislike them, and then the 2nd half will be people I feel bad about things that I've done to."

Tom: "People you've wronged."

Tim: "Yeah, it'll be called 'Repent with Tim'."

***

Tom: "This all started when I called you a dunce."

Tim: "It really did. It's not gonna stop until you stop."

***

Tom: "That's what I'm always telling people - I am simply too busy to wear pants."

***

Tom: "This podcast has just become a string of broken promises. This podcast is the equivalent of the Dad who went out for cigarettes one night and just never came back."

***

Tim:
"My friends and I in highschool were really into Ernest movies ... I think there were 7 Ernest movies? We had to go to like, 5 different Blockbusters to get all the movies. We started this endeavour at like, 9pm ... We had some soda, we had some snacks and we had some ground rules. 10 minute bathroom breaks between each movie. You're not allowed to go to sleep. If you close your eyes for more than 8 seconds, that's considered going to sleep. If you fell asleep, you had to go in the crawl space for an hour ... there were bats in there, I think. Or at least that was what we were telling J-Rod."