The Bachelor

Episode blurb
In this episode Tom and Tim discuss the hit reality show 'The Bachelor', America's favorite sex-free 20 hour porn movie. Also discussed... Olympic Fever Finally Subsides Tom's Strong Opinions on The Bachelor Pooping Your Way Into Show Business Tim and Tom Stop Solving One Person's Problems Podcast Philanthropy A Special Musical Performance from Jimmy Bluffert [...]

Quotes
Tim: "We've wasted this whole beautiful day setting up for this crap."

Tom: "Timmy, it's okay, you can tell them that you like it outside."

Tim: "No, man, I rebel against things."

***

Tim: "How does this work - do they all sit around getting drunk and see who hooks up?"

Tom: "They go on dates."

Tim: "Now, dates as I understand them, Tom, end in some sort of sexual relations. In either full-blown intercourse-"

Tom: "Or a handjob."

Tim: "-be it some sort of romantic-"

Tom: "-handjob-"

Tim: "-romantic pursuit."

Tom: "Or a handjob."

***

Tim: "Did I tell you my plan to secretly take dance lessons? I wanna take street hip-hop dance lessons. "We'll just go to a bar that we're very friendly with and say, 'yo, throw on 'this techno mix I made' ... nah, I'd go for Blackstreet's 'No Diggity'. So I'd get the DJ to play it, and walk over to my friends all 'Hey, No Diggity is on'... I've cleared all the tables out of the way and I'm just killing it. I've had 2 years of secret dance lessons, maybe 12-14 hours a week. My friends will all be, 'What is this?' ... they'll hoist me onto their shoulders and champagne will be poured..."

Tom: "Is this to impress a girl or...?"

Tim: "No, no. Y'know, I don't think I'd want a girl who would be impressed by hiphop dance moves."

***

Tom: "So this Bachelor is all 'I can't find love'. I mean. You're 31, you're handsome as shit - you're very hunky. And you're a pilot..."

Tim: "A pirate?"

***

Tom: "Buy a star and name it after us."

Tim: "That'd be great!"

Tom: "I don't want that, what does that get us?"

Tim: "You'd go down in history in the galaxy or something. When we finally colonise Mars, and they have a museum, you'll have a plaque in that museum."

Tom: "When we go to some distant star, they'll have to call that star 'Tim'. We'll be all 'It's really timmy out today... sure is timmy out today. Man, the tim is really strong today, I hope you wore some sunblock."

Tim: "Timblock. Tom, maintain the consistency please, or don't make the bad joke to begin with."